My wife and daughter recently told me they've been binging Girls1 together. From their cryptic but enthusiastic descriptions (carefully worded, because they're quite certain it's not my kind of show), I gathered it's an HBO series from the 2010s about young women navigating life in New York City. While they haven't shared many specifics, their conversations about the show's dynamics got me thinking about how modern romance has evolved, particularly about a phenomenon that's captured collective attention lately: the ick—that sudden, visceral feeling of disgust that can instantly transform attraction into revulsion. While social media may have given this experience its viral moment, the implications run far deeper than trending hashtags suggest.
Picture this: You're engaged in what seems like a perfect date. The conversation flows naturally, you're discovering shared interests, and there's undeniable chemistry. Then it happens—your date pronounces "espresso" as "expresso," or perhaps they laugh in a way that inexplicably reminds you of a goat. In an instant, that spark of attraction extinguishes, replaced by an inexplicable feeling of revulsion.
Spoiler Alert
Just for fun, I asked ChatGPT2 to give me an example from the show Girls:
Hannah & Adam’s Post-Breakup Hookup (Season 4, Episode 5: "Sit-In")
The Setup: After their messy breakup, Hannah and Adam drunkenly hook up again. Things start off nostalgic and charged... until Adam does something deeply cringeworthy.
The Ick Moment: Mid-hookup, Adam starts dancing naked to a bizarre electronic song (his own playlist) while Hannah lies awkwardly on the bed. His goofy, overly earnest performance — complete with pelvic thrusts and "sexy" poses — makes Hannah recoil. Her face shifts from amusement to full-blown disgust as she realizes how absurd and unsexy the moment is.
So, whether you’re on that date with the “expresso” guy, or the goat girl, or you’re poor Hannah, you've just experienced what modern dating culture calls "the ick." This phenomenon has gained significant attention, particularly on social media platforms like TikTok. While it's not just a social media trend, the exact prevalence is difficult to pinpoint. However, recent studies do provide some insights:
A January 2023 poll of 2,000 adults revealed that nearly half (49%) have ended a relationship due to experiencing "the ick." Furthermore, 56% of respondents reported completely ghosting someone because of it.3 These figures suggest that "the ick" is indeed a significant factor in modern dating decisions. But what does this widespread experience tell us about modern love, mental health, and particularly, the unique challenges faced by men in today's dating landscape?
Evolutionary Psychology
Jordan Peterson's4 work on hierarchies and mate selection offers one compelling framework for understanding the ick. Through this lens, our visceral reactions to seemingly minor behaviors might reflect deeply encoded evolutionary strategies—ancient algorithms for mate selection playing out in a modern context.
"In the dance of attraction," Peterson notes, "we're not just responding to the person before us, but to millions of years of evolutionary wisdom."
This perspective suggests that the ick might serve as a rapid-response system, flagging potential mates who display markers of poor social calibration or status inconsistency.
The Discipline of Love
M. Scott Peck, in his seminal work The Road Less Traveled, offers a contrasting yet complementary perspective.
"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."
Through this lens, the ick might represent something more psychological—a defense mechanism against the vulnerability required for genuine connection.
Peck's framework suggests that our quick dismissal of potential partners over minor imperfections might reveal more about our own emotional immaturity than any real incompatibility.
"True love is not a feeling. "It is an act of will, a decision to commit oneself to another and to work through all difficulties."
Where these perspectives converge most powerfully is in their analysis of male mental health and emotional expression. The statistics are sobering: men represent nearly 79% of suicides in the U.S., with recent data showing males accounted for 78.7% of all suicides between 2000 and 20205. Despite this alarming trend, men are significantly less likely to seek professional help for mental health concerns. Studies indicate that only about a quarter of men say they would be likely or very likely to seek help from a mental health professional for emotional or personal problems. Furthermore, while over 80% of men experiencing depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts had visited a general practitioner, only around 40% had consulted a mental health specialist.6 This reluctance to seek professional mental health support highlights a critical gap in addressing the disproportionately high suicide rates among men.
Clinical psychologist Esther Perel7 adds another layer to this discussion:
"Behind many men's fear of rejection lies a deeper fear of vulnerability."
The ick phenomenon, when viewed through this lens, suggests a broader problem with how we approach emotional intimacy and vulnerability, particularly for men.
A Path Forward
By synthesizing these perspectives, we can imagine several key principles for healthier romantic connections:
Embrace Imperfection: Rather than treating the ick as an immutable judgment, view it as an invitation to self-reflection. As Peck suggests,
"Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs."
Cultivate Emotional Literacy: Particularly for men, developing the vocabulary and comfort to express emotions authentically is crucial. This isn't just about personal growth—it's about survival in an increasingly complex emotional landscape.
Practice Intentional Dating: Instead of letting instant reactions dictate your choices, you might benefit from what Peterson calls "voluntary confrontation with the unknown"—staying present with discomfort long enough to discover what lies beyond it.
Perhaps the ick's viral moment signals something larger: a collective recognition that our approach to love and connection needs updating. In an era of infinite choice and instant gratification, learning to navigate our instinctive reactions while remaining open to genuine connection may be our greatest challenge—and opportunity.
As Peck reminds us,
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
The next time you feel the ick, consider pausing before swiping left, or pretending to take a phone call, or that you just realized you have somewhere else you have to be. That moment of discomfort might just be an invitation to deeper understanding—of yourself, of others, and of what it truly means to connect.
‘It’s an excuse to not get close to someone’: How ‘the ick’ trapped us all in perpetual dating misery https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/ick-dating-misery-logan-ury-b2491416.html
Mental health of Australian males: depression, suicidality and loneliness - https://aifs.gov.au/tentomen/insights-report/mental-health-australian-males-depression-suicidality-and-loneliness